I was recently sick sick sick, with a flu that had me completely knocked out and absolutely without appetite. In fact, it was hard to consider food. It was hard to consider anything really, save for resting up and keeping still. Which, in hind sight was very nice. During the holidays indulgences of all varieties are the norm, and don't get me wrong, I love to indulge, but I was struck by the sensation of being repulsed by food, repulsed by consuming almost anything. It made me feel light, physically --naturally --but also mentally. There was a vulnerability and ease that came with being incapacitated that I deeply enjoyed!
As is typically the case, I have been extra in tune with this idea, the grace that CAN come with darkness, stasis, rest. Winter invites all living creatures to take a moment, to soak it in, to slow w a y d o w n. Which, can be really hard to do. I fight it big time, especially in times of change. But not when I have the flu!
I saw this quote in an article called "The Disease of Being Busy": "remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing." The article points out how connection with others can feel like trading To Do lists and exhaustions. It asks, why it's so rare to just be with someone, in space, and get to know what their heart is feeling. Not the 25 things they think they need to do by next Tuesday.
It struck me because at the moment, I don't feel like I am doing "enough", I don't have "enough" going on or "enough" items on my to do list. Sure there are things on there, but they could not happen and the world would keep spinning. At the moment I feel like I have time, and I feel guilty for it to not be filled, filled to the brim! I feel guilty that I don't have a long list to trade and I find myself chasing after things I might not want to do, just to fill it. But not when I have the flu! Ha!
For some reason, the flu and the winter, and the desire to rest and just be and not worry and not do and feel okie dokie with that, and be vulnerable and underground and ready to bud into something unknown --makes me think about cravings. And, a lack of punctuation and the above mentioned, makes me think about Crave, a play. Especially this verse done two ways. Both really really good. Seriously, peep it.
But I digress. What is a craving? It's a wanting, a powerful desire for something. Maybe to be busy, to feel important, to feel full, to feel satisfied, to feel like you have enough, to be liked, to have money, to have more money, to have fame, to have stuff, to have more time, to be alone, to be with others, to go to a tropical island etc.
Sometimes I think cravings are really good, they keep you on your toes and give you reasons to treat yourself, which I love. Cravings can be playful and joyous and ambitious. Cravings can also be distracting, and off putting and never ending and dishonest. A craving is like a trickster, it keeps you guessing and running and then you catch it and you might say, "oh, this is it?" And then you start running after another one.
But a craving can also tell you what you need. What your body needs and your soul needs from you--now. When I was sick and wanted for nothing, truth be told--I did want a couple of things. I wanted fruit and juice, something cool and slightly sweet and wet and "healthful". You know when you just want something that seems good for your body? And for me that was oranges and strawberry and banana smoothies that my mom made for me and...pomegranate seeds. A delicate little juice filled wonder, that was the perfect size to satiate my non-existent appetite.
I love the flavor of pomegranate, even when everything else makes me sick. Is that a tagline for Pom? It should be. And I love the idea of a pomegranate. It's decadence, and all the things it makes me think of that have nothing to do with the fruit: winter and red lipstick, and thick juice, luxury, good wine, tasty company, glitter, shine, candlelight, stockings, twinkling, coziness, warmth, smiles, fire, dreams of light. But also the combined order and chaos of the actual fruit, the seeds draped exquisitely in fruit and nestled together like the deepest red snowflake or a crystal or a star. Swoon.
I wonder: What is the actual thing we need, and how does it tend to get fulfilled? When do you know you got it right?
A mystery worth pondering.
Me, alone, light and airy and vulnerable, on my bed, during the holidays, sucking on a pomegranate seed, feeling like it was plenty. Feeling like a powerful desire was satisfied. Was it the seed or all the holiday-rific good cheer I associate with it. This time those stories were for good. This time the trickster was a saint. But how else can this be turned around and flipped inside out?
I remembered a couple of years ago, in winter, I made this film with Ollie and a sweet friend who I miss. And it had pomegranates in it, and they were being elusive. Watch it if you want to, it's short, you should have plenty of time.